"I'm No Good at This"
The conundrum of comparison.
I have the good fortune to frequently be in the company of many creative and talented artists of all kinds. It’s wonderfully inspiring and it’s terribly intimidating.
I love to watch my friends and friendly acquaintances perform on stage, to see their music released into the world, to experience their theatrical performances, and to view their magnificent pieces of art.
I also envy them. It’s always fleeting, that feeling that bubbles up as I absorb just how very good their art is. Still, it creates moments of great doubt about my own. The feeling fades quickly enough, but it shows up more often than I’d like.
It makes me wonder if I should be doing this at all. I’m not a pro. I don’t have a trained or powerful voice. My lyrics and melodies are all right, but I only play about eight chords. Although I can play perfectly when I’m alone in my room, it’s frequently a challenge for me to land those chords cleanly when I’m nervous in front of an audience. I often draw and paint, yet somehow I can never quite capture images on the page that match the visions in my mind. I’m pretty good with words, but I’d re-write every book I’ve published if I could.
The conversations I have with other artists reminds me that we all feel this way sometimes. Self-doubt is ubiquitous in humans. And so is the urge to create.
I’ve been described as prolific. I regularly feel compelled to write, to sing and play, to draw and paint. When I’m done, I often feel compelled to share what I’ve made. Sometimes I share with just a few friends, but often I share publicly, thrusting my heart out with the hope whatever I’ve made will land where it’s needed. Sometimes I still feel like a small child making each offering with the underlying desire my art will be liked. That I’ll be liked.
Not everyone likes my art (or me). I feel that envy come back at me sometimes. Self-doubt and insecurity competes with the compulsion to create.
My wise self knows that it doesn’t matter if everyone likes me. In fact it doesn’t matter if anyone likes me if I like myself and live in a way that feels authentic.
When I was a brand new social worker, people would often comment that I was “out to save the world” and I would reply that the whole world was too big, so I was just going to work on my corner of it and trust that would be enough. I suppose I feel the same way about making art. I can’t be just like all the artists I so admire, I can only be myself. I trust that will be enough.
I’ve self-published quite a few projects now. If you’re interested you can check out my books and music on my artist’s website here.
If you’re interested in my grief and trauma work, including the Write to Heal program, you’ll find more information on my professional website here.
